Linked!? Woot

I got some link love over at Faster Than Forever this morning, so I figured I should probably actually post something, since I've been pretty neglectful of this blog lately!

Springtime is here, and as usual, my brain has calmed down a little...until last night, and today, apparently, when my anxiety has cranked up to 11. I posted about it at my other blog.

I'll try better to post here more often... but since this blog was more for emotional crap, well, I guess it's better that I haven't felt the need to, huh??

it's just a phase...right?

i go through these phases where i don't want to be friends with anyone. where i just want to be alone, like i used to be. because it's so much easier. i know exactly what *i* am going to do. i don't let me down. i fit in with myself. i don't disappoint myself the way other people disappoint me.

i want to disappear. i cannot be everything that everyone wants. i can't abandon myself the way others abandon me.

i got home from hanging out with friends today and felt like i was an alien. like i'm not anything i'm supposed to be. i came home and had a panic attack because jeff wasn't here to help me. what's wrong with me?

A side note on anxiety

Sometime since graduating high school, I've developed near-crippling anxiety. It isn't constant, or anything - it's not like I can't leave the house without Valium - but it's there, and it does have a negative impact on me.

Most recent example? Tonight, my silly husband was (is?) supposed to speak in front of the City Council in his (likely far-fetched) bid to be chosen to fill an empty seat on said council.

I spent the first hour of the meeting shaking so badly, I couldn't hold his hand or anything; I had to leave before he even spoke because I was so nervous that he would embarrass himself in front of the people there because he didn't really have a prepared speech or anything to say.

I'm such a terrible wife.