it's just a phase...right?

i go through these phases where i don't want to be friends with anyone. where i just want to be alone, like i used to be. because it's so much easier. i know exactly what *i* am going to do. i don't let me down. i fit in with myself. i don't disappoint myself the way other people disappoint me.

i want to disappear. i cannot be everything that everyone wants. i can't abandon myself the way others abandon me.

i got home from hanging out with friends today and felt like i was an alien. like i'm not anything i'm supposed to be. i came home and had a panic attack because jeff wasn't here to help me. what's wrong with me?

symbolism in words

I was at work the other day, helping out the new service manager, and he was having me set up a password protected screen saver on his computer. He picked the 3D floating text one, and was in the process of replacing the default "Windows 7" text. He was typing in the dealership's name, but said something like "I should probably put something else here. What would you put?"

I said "'Go away!'?"

He replied "I meant something more like 'Dream' or "success" or something like that."

"Mayhem?" I suggested.

--

Apparently my outlook on life is all wrong. Greg (the aforementioned service manager) suggested that the smarter you are, the longer it takes. It took him 12 years to get through college, only to b eright back where he started working in car dealership service departments.

When am I going to figure my life out? I'm at seven years, since effectively running away from home. Well... almost eight, really. My only goal is not to work at that dump anymore. To not work at all.

I just want to rest. I'm so miserable.

Question 9

It's been a while since I've done one of these. Oops.

#9: Which song do you sing only when you’re alone? What memory does it bring back?

There are a handful of songs that fit this, though it's not so much "sing only when you're alone" as "play on repeat on iTunes."

Alanis Morissette's "Not as We." I found this one after it was played in an episode of House. The song was used in the episode titled "97 Seconds," during the scene where House contemplates sticking a knife in an electrical socket in order to see if there's anything "after" we die. I've always loved Alanis, even when I was in junior high and Jagged Little Pill came out and I didn't understand what half the songs were about, but knew taht she was awesome.

Evanescence's "My Immortal." This reminds me of my high school crush, and listening to it over and over and over when he left for Army basic training. Sigh.


Those are the two I can think of right now. There are undoubtedly others. Unfortunately, both of them are songs that remind me of sadness and loss.

Question 8 (I think? I've forgotten already)

What color dominates your wardrobe? How do you feel when you wear that color? Why?

Once again, rather than answer the question, I'm going to answer something related-but-different.

Which color do I have absolutely none of in my wardrobe? Why?

Yellow.

No yellow. No yellow at all, hardly even as accents. Outside of a lost bumblebee or some fabric I get in a variety pack, good luck finding any yellow in our entire house, actually.

When I was in junior high, my mother took me shopping at the local factory outlets. Reading, PA is famous for them, which always seemed strange because they never seemed toh ave anything I really wanted to buy, but anywhere, there we were, in Rue 21 (now Forever 21, I think), and I found a shirt I wanted. A yellow shirt. I held it up for my mom to check out / approve, and she said I couldn't get it, and that I should never wear yellow, because yellow made me look sick.

While I'm sure this was meant to be thoughtful fashion advice (and might even BE good advice), I took it personally and practically banned yellow from my life, at least as far as clothes are concerned. I hate the color, all because of my mother's comment.

I am determined, however, to have a rubber ducky themed bathroom, so there will be some yellow in our house eventually.

Question 7

If you could change your appearance, how would you decide to look?

Right now, I'd grow my hair. I've had it short since...April of 2007. The day I broke up with my ex-fiance was also the same day I chopped of my hair - from the middle of my back, to a much-preferred pixie cut - AND got a tattoo. Talk about being dramatic, huh?

I've always gone back and forth with my hair. I first got it cut short when I was 10, to a bob, and kept it that way for a little while, but then grew it out, which wasn't so bad because the bangs were already long. I think I cut it again my freshman year of high school, to some variant of the super-short hair I have now. I grew it out again after keeping it short for about a year, then cut it short again at...16, I think. The guy I'd been on again, off again seeing at the time, Billy, thought that my cutting my hair short was some sort of "coming out" statement and that I must obviously now be a lesbian. This didn't prevent him from continuing to on again off again date me, though. Hah.

I grew it out again after that, then cut it short before leaving for boot camp in September, 2003. I figured (and rightly so) that it would be SO much easier to have short hair during basic, and it was. I kept my hair short until getting out of the Air Force in May, 2004, then grew it out again. I kept it long because the guy I was dating said he preferred it that way. My hair is so thick that, at its longest, it would take four or five hours to air dry (because I'm much too lazy to buy, let alone use, a hair dryer).

I cut it in April of 2007 and have had it super short since. It's so easy, especially with my hair being thick, but lately I've been feeling like it isn't particularly girly. The process of growing it out when it's so short, though, is daunting - I'm looking at six solid months, or more, of having hair in my eyes non-stop. Oh, and my boss likes to comment on his female employees' hairstyles, particularly when our hair does get in our eyes. Apparently he doesn't read sexual harassment memos or anything.

So yeah, I'd probably zoom my hair forward six to eight months, and have chin-length hair. :)

Jeff & Iraq

I posted a...week? two weeks? I don't know. Anyway, I'd previously mentioned that Jeff applied for a job in Iraq to be an "evidence custodian."

He got an  email today saying he did not get the job...

But that he should definitely apply if/when the job gets posted again, because he was one of TWO applicants for the position, and the reason he did not get chosen was cuz the other guy had a PhD.

Oh, and the pay? $160,000 for six months.

That's more than our mortgage...and his grad school... and probably also a new truck. Combined. So yes, Jeff will definitely be applying for this position again.

Question 6

#6: If you could change your name, what would your new name be?

In high school, I decided I didn't like being Stephanie Lastname anymore. It was much too long, and not very fun. At the time, I didn't like Steph, either, so I decided that I wanted my friends to call me Wendi. With an i. I think I had my friends call me that, or tried to, but that didn't work and for a while that was that. (Do you remember htat at all, Renee? Gosh I was obnoxious in high school!!)

Before getting married, I toyed with keeping my maiden name, or hyphenating it with my husband's name... but being Stephanie 10lettername-5letters seemed a bit out of control, so I took my husband's name. It seems silly, but I love being Mrs. Mabry. I love that his family calls me Mrs. Mabry. I still giggle when I get "important" mail that says Mrs. Mabry. When I went to the Social Security Administration and to the DMV, the clerks at both agencies were surprised with how quickly I was there - we made sure to send off our marriage certificate thingamabloobery before leaving for our honeymoon, and we got it  back from the county by the time we returned home. We got married June 13th, and before July arrived, I was Mrs. Mabry.

Interesting, I like being called Steph now, too. Stephanie doesn't sound right with the new last name, but Steph sounds okay. :) So Mrs. Steph Mabry I am, now, and I wouldn't have it any other way!