Question #10

#10 - Who do you secretly envy? Why?

Oh boy. Um...

• Women with slender legs, particularly those who are able to successfully wear "skinny" jeans like these (or, really, any woman who can find pants that fit her entire leg, not just parts of her lower body at any given time):

• People with jobs they enjoy. My husband's working on becoming one of those people, but I don't know that I'll ever get there. I'd love a job in a library, or doing some other kind of job that requires an OCD level of organizational skills.

I guess most of my envy centers around people who are in control (of their jobs or their...thighs?). I feel out of control of so many things, sometimes.

Sometimes I feel like I just want to disappear. It comes on out of nowhere - like when I feel like no one needs me. When Jeff watches a show without me, when something good happens for one of my friends, or whatever.

So insecure.

I didn't even have a bad day. I have bad hours. Relatively good mood all day, and then now I just want to curl up and cry.

I don't know why. I don't know.

I don't know why I don't know.

Linked!? Woot

I got some link love over at Faster Than Forever this morning, so I figured I should probably actually post something, since I've been pretty neglectful of this blog lately!

Springtime is here, and as usual, my brain has calmed down a little...until last night, and today, apparently, when my anxiety has cranked up to 11. I posted about it at my other blog.

I'll try better to post here more often... but since this blog was more for emotional crap, well, I guess it's better that I haven't felt the need to, huh??

Forgetting

Forgetting would be easier
than the generic Hallmark

that arrives late--
not even postmarked on time,
even though you drive by
a drop box every day,

and that arrives with no
handwritten note--
but which has your handwriting
for dad's signature, too, and my sister's,

and that arrives with the check--
happy birthday in the memo line,
a smiley face made from exclamation points--
because you can't think
of anything to give me--
because you've already given me
some genes, and I'm clearly
selfish
to want anything else.

it's just a phase...right?

i go through these phases where i don't want to be friends with anyone. where i just want to be alone, like i used to be. because it's so much easier. i know exactly what *i* am going to do. i don't let me down. i fit in with myself. i don't disappoint myself the way other people disappoint me.

i want to disappear. i cannot be everything that everyone wants. i can't abandon myself the way others abandon me.

i got home from hanging out with friends today and felt like i was an alien. like i'm not anything i'm supposed to be. i came home and had a panic attack because jeff wasn't here to help me. what's wrong with me?

symbolism in words

I was at work the other day, helping out the new service manager, and he was having me set up a password protected screen saver on his computer. He picked the 3D floating text one, and was in the process of replacing the default "Windows 7" text. He was typing in the dealership's name, but said something like "I should probably put something else here. What would you put?"

I said "'Go away!'?"

He replied "I meant something more like 'Dream' or "success" or something like that."

"Mayhem?" I suggested.

--

Apparently my outlook on life is all wrong. Greg (the aforementioned service manager) suggested that the smarter you are, the longer it takes. It took him 12 years to get through college, only to b eright back where he started working in car dealership service departments.

When am I going to figure my life out? I'm at seven years, since effectively running away from home. Well... almost eight, really. My only goal is not to work at that dump anymore. To not work at all.

I just want to rest. I'm so miserable.

Question 9

It's been a while since I've done one of these. Oops.

#9: Which song do you sing only when you’re alone? What memory does it bring back?

There are a handful of songs that fit this, though it's not so much "sing only when you're alone" as "play on repeat on iTunes."

Alanis Morissette's "Not as We." I found this one after it was played in an episode of House. The song was used in the episode titled "97 Seconds," during the scene where House contemplates sticking a knife in an electrical socket in order to see if there's anything "after" we die. I've always loved Alanis, even when I was in junior high and Jagged Little Pill came out and I didn't understand what half the songs were about, but knew taht she was awesome.

Evanescence's "My Immortal." This reminds me of my high school crush, and listening to it over and over and over when he left for Army basic training. Sigh.


Those are the two I can think of right now. There are undoubtedly others. Unfortunately, both of them are songs that remind me of sadness and loss.