There are days when I think I am never going to get better. When the slightest thing - a comment, a photo, a phone call not received - can send me reeling, crying, and eventually into a panic attack that will only go away if I sleep - not just a nap, but all night, eight hours of recharging from the emotional drain and the feelings and the self-hatred that comes with them.
There are days when I have to listen to the same sad songs over and over, like The Band Perry's "If I Die Young" or Miranda Lambert's "The House that Built Me" or any of a number of Alanis Morisette songs, like "Your House" or "Not as We" or "Mary Jane." Or maybe put them into one terrible iTunes playlist called sadness so they loop and I cry without drawing too much attention. When I was in high school, I'd listen to "Your House" over and over, when it was difficult, because it was on the Jagged Little Pill CD as a hidden track, it's just past five minutes in, I'd listen and sing loudly after school until my sister got home at 3:40 or so and I had to start helping her with her homework or at least make her generally behave herself.
There are days when I feel like I'm no better than I was the day I had my first panic attack, the day when it took everything in me not to start sobbing on the drive home from work (which at that time was only a mile); the day when it took all I had not to drive off the road, into someone, intentionally, to hurt them, so I could go to jail and sleep.
There are days when I don't feel any of this, and no one would ever know that I had ever felt that way.
But on the other days, days like today, I know that I will never be alright. I will never be the happy-go-lucky person I'd give almost anything (even perhaps a limb) to be.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
The thing I'm trying to learn myself is that no one is this perfect image of a person that I'd want to be. Everyone has something in them that makes them not perfect. And no one is Happy-go-lucky well at least all the time. You just have to take it one day at a time and try to heal. That's what I've been trying to do. And it hurts and sucks to bring up old crap, but I think in the long run I'll be a better person even if I'm a crappy person right now.
ReplyDeleteI would never be bold enough as to say that I know how you feel, but for several years now I have dealt with anxiety attacks, borderline personality disorder, and post traumatic stress. Each day is a new challenge. There are days when all I want to do is sleep because it is easier than being awake. Surround yourself with positive people that understand you. Let them know what goes through your head when the phone doesn't ring, or when you see a picture that reminds you of something. Ask them to be strong for you, while you learn to be strong for yourself. I have learned that confronting the problems, crying my eyes out, and sometimes even yelling into my pillow helps me. If your music helps you, then you have already taken a step to healing- figureing out how to do it. Just give yourself time.
ReplyDelete