Monday, January 24, 2011


There are things I've been struggling with that I'm not even sure I have the words for. Questions of why I did or didn't do things. The sorts of things that I know, intellectually, other people must struggle with, but which I don't have the courage or the appropriately-close-friends to ask or even the words with which to discuss it.

Science is vaguely helpful, things like Kinsey's scale and his outdated studies. So I'm a...2? Trouble arises even there - how to define "incedentally," for example. That doesn't seem to measure thoughts, desires, that go unacted on.

And why are they not acted on - I was single, between Old-Jeff and Husband-Jeff. I've known about this since high school. Old Jeff didn't exactly disapprove, but said he was uncomfortable with further commitment if I didn't explore this first (among other reasons for not committing). Husband-Jeff doesn't care that it (they... women aren't "its") interest me. I was single for a while between them, and had no problem with randomly hooking up with men I barely knew, or who I knew weren't long-term possibilities. How did I manage to forget about this during the only time it was really an option?

I don't know.

How terrible that I'm so vague even with/around my closest friends.

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